February 14, 2025: Can Conflict Allow for More Intimacy?
Author: Cassie Menn
All couples experience conflict. Conflict is inevitable with any deeply intimate relationship. However, what happens when conflict seems to be the only thing partners have in common? More conflict? Perhaps. Less hope of ever breaking the cycle? Maybe. So what to do – now?
This is common and this is natural to feel this way. However, the cycle and patterns of conflict can be managed to create connection instead of more nights where it feels like the only thing that is certain is a disagreement or a possible escalated argument that drives us father apart from the one person who knows us best.
Often, we’re not taught to do anything else but to solve for a conflict. Think about it: At work, you might find yourself advancing the ranks of your organization because you are great at problem-solving. At home, you might find that you can – and do – “fix” everything, from the home repairs to managing the family schedules. Problem-solving and coming up with solutions to mitigate or get rid of conflict is an asset in many arenas. However, in relationships, the act of problem-solving itself might be a liability. But why? If the end result to is to simply focus on “fixing” or to eradicate the conflict, then the opportunity to connect might be missed. Seems like a strange thing to comprehend when emotions run high, but take a moment to consider: What if conflict creates an opportunity to better understand your partner?
Don’t Fight Tonight: Three Ways to Stop the Conflict Cycle
- Be curious, avoid judgement: When we are curious, we ask questions starting such as: “I wonder what that might be about…”; “I am really interested in why my partner values this specific issue so much”; “How might we partner together on this issue that seems to be creating a divide between us?” When we are curious, we get creative. We open new ways of thinking and then acting. When we are in a perpetual state of judgement – usually induced by emotions such as fear, anger and worry – we tend to operate from this position: “My partner is always trying to be ‘right’…and prove me wrong…”; “If I hear him/her say that one more time, then I will implode because they just don’t understand my perspective…”. Judgement usually looks like an “if/then” statement or otherwise known as “all or nothing thinking”. Judgment statements also can contain such “hurdle” words to connection including “should, always, and never”.
- Focus on values, not being “right”: When we connect with someone, one thing is certain – we usually share a value system, or we align on at least one or two very important values. When in conflict with your spouse, get curious and then find one value that you both share. If you are both in conflict, start there: The value you both might share is that you are passionate about an issue. Additionally, what if the other value is that you both put high importance on acceptance and simply are looking to be heard? Again, focus on a value.
- Ask for a “do over”: This is essential. We all have days when we simply need to allow ourselves to kindly ask to start over. This is part of being human. When we ask for a “do over”, the conflict is actually halted – even if for a brief second – allowing both partners to self-regulate. A “do over” also admits that the conversation might be headed in a direction neither one of you intended, allowing for more clarification to be explored or an opportunity to say something such as “Can I have a do-over? I realize I made a mistake or that what I said did not come out the way I had intended.”
Final thought: There is no perfect couple. No matter how long you have been together, conflict will always be a part of the relationship. Instead of trying to solve for the issue, what about finding new ways to manage it with the end goal of connection. Start with the end in mind the next time you find yourself in conflict with your partner.